I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
