please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
