my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
