It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
