I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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