Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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