oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
