this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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