Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
