It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
