Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
