i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
