The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
