It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
