I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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