textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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