I could make wine with my vomit
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Acid is not a monday night drug
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
