just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
