i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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