Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
