new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
