That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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