he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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