I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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