oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
