I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
