Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
