The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
