haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
