I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
