Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
