i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
