We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
