no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
