Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
