guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sarcasm needs its own font
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
