Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
