I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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