God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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