this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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