I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
