Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
