Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
