I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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