He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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