Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
