I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need a beard to bite.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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