let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
