I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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