thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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