I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
