who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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