My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
