it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
