My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
