This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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