So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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