You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't deserve a penis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
