every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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